Real Talk

Hey guys. This post is different. Katrina recently gifted me a book about blogging and I've been thinking a lot about how I want to use this platform. When I restarted posting regularly this summer, I made a statement that I wanted to post not only about fashion, but post about my career, feelings and life. I dabbled with that a bit when I wrote this post about my three-year with bae. Since then, you've been treated to a slew of outfit posts. Don't get me wrong, that's totally still the main focus of this blog but I'm feeling compelled to do another real talk post.

I'm pretty sure that most of the folks that read my blog posts come through my facebook page meaning that a lot of you guys are folks that I've actually interacted with in real life. If you are my facebook friend, you may notice that I post regularly about what I'm up to and I generally keep it 100% positive. I intentionally do this because I'm aware that my status updates could potentially reach hundreds of people and I strongly believe in not using the newsfeed to share my shitty feelings. I don't do it to put on a face, I just want to be considerate of my newsfeed community. I legit enjoy my life. However, I understand that this may give the appearance that I'm leading a seemingly struggle free life. If you've ever had the pleasure of some 1:1 time with me (lolololol), you know that I keep it pretty real. I'll let you know what's up with me: the good, the bad, the ugly. I personally experience so much relief when I realize that someone I admire (friend, colleague, mentor) is also experiencing hardship. It reminds me that I am human, and that it is perfectly okay to not feel awesome all the time. Sometimes, when I perceive the people I look up to be leading flawless lives, it can make me feel like I'm not good enough. As if, hey- those folks make it look so easy to have it all, why can't I gracefully get my shit together? So this time around, I want to share some real shit about my last two years in the hopes that I can maybe provide the same relief to someone out there on the blogosphere. Not to assume that you guys look up to me, but I'm guessing you can catch wind of my intentions here. This is gonna be long. Sorry not sorry.

Let's start with a snapshot of my life before I started full time work at Microsoft. I have a loving family that supported the shit out of me and my academic pursuits. At the UW, I double majored in Electrical Engineering and Computer Engineering and I was super proud to be a kickass lady engineer in the making. I worked hard, but I spent a good amount of time worrying about my performance in school. I still made time for fun, meaningful friendships and relationships (that I diligently documented on facebook), but stress was no stranger to my daily existence. My junior year, I scored an impressive rotation of internships: Microsoft (Summer 2011), Google (Fall 2011), Amazon (Winter 2012). I started dating Mitch that summer and totally felt like I was on top of the world. I accepted a full time offer with Microsoft after graduation and it felt like everything that I had worked so hard for the past 17 years of my school life was coming to a head. I assumed my life would continue to skyrocket from there.

I started full time adult life with some hefty expectations. I knew I was viewed as intelligent. I knew I was able to connect with people on a personal level and that had always afforded me certain advantages and opportunities. I knew I had potential for greatness and damnit, I was determined to fulfill the expectations of being a young, good-looking (SUPER HUMBLE), confident go-getter. I had everything going for me and there was nothing standing in my way to a fast track career path to Program Management Excellence.

EXCEPT THOSE FIRST 1.5 YEARS OF WORK WERE MORE OR LESS FUCKING AWFUL.

At least I perceived them to be. The feeling of failure didn't happen immediately, but it started the first week of work when I was given an area of ownership that I didn't feel comfortable with right away. Huh, everything had always come so relatively easily to me before! I never had to really struggle for anything! Perhaps I just wasn't used to not being awesome. Yes, I figured I just needed to give myself time. I would rock the shit out of this project eventually! Hello, I was fucking KIM NGUYEN. And Kim Nguyen always wins out in the end. Note: I've been #blessed with a genuine sense of relatively high/positive self esteem.

I was nervous, but I set out to conquer. Basically, over the next year I suffered. HARD. My work content was exceptionally challenging for me. At first I thought that I just wasn't smart enough to overcome the technical depth needed to truly own this space. Later, I realized that the fact that I was actually completely uninterested in my work content contributed to 99% of my technical struggles. I am a huge believer in the Fake It Till You Make It, Bitches mindset but GUYS, sometimes you just can't. I naturally fell into the "Susie Sunshine" persona at work and it took quite a while before I would admit to myself that I just wasn't cut out for this area of work. And not gonna lie, tumultuous events surrounding my leadership contributed A METRIC TON load to my struggle bus. It was quite difficult for me to accept that I couldn't be good at everything. This realization was important for my emotional health, but it took many months of frustration, angry crying on a weekly basis and constantly taking out my crazy on those closest to me. I practically ruined two of the most important relationships in my life during this time. I can't be more grateful to Mitch and Kasey for their unconditional love but I put them both through hell while I was struggling to come to terms with myself and my perceived failure. After everything I put them through, I still can't believe our relationships survived 2013. And for reals, hashtag grateful and hashtag blessed to have them both in my life.

My main motivation in life had always been to be happy. I sincerely believe that I deserve to be happy and operate hardcore on a "Live your fucking life!" attitude. I think this is one of the qualities that people find most attractive about me. As long as I wasn't hurting anyone, I wasn't going to let anything stand in the way of getting what I wanted. I cannot articulate the frustration I was feeling over being so limited in my work life. I felt trapped. I also felt ashamed of my unhappiness. Here I was, a privileged girl making a ton of cash (to the tune of $100k, you all know how much software engineers make, I'm not even going to lie). Roof over my head, so much to eat, all of my material wants and needs satisfied, supportive friends and family. What right did I have to be so dissatisfied with life?! I was one hot mess, guys. I was turning into a CRAZY person and shit was getting so real.

Eventually, enough was enough. I remember sitting in Kasey's office during one of my weekly rituals of decompression discussions. Usually these consisted of me expressing extreme frustration over needing to find SOME way to be successful on my team and Kasey loyally consoling me. These talks were continually getting more and more angsty as I felt more out of control of my situation. But this time, something just fucking clicked in my brain. I realized that I didn't need to prove myself to this team, to my manager, to this project. I was so tired of being tired. I am fucking Kim Nguyen, damnit! I had a choice and I deserved to be happy. On that day, I decided that I was going to leave the team and I decided that everything was going to be okay.

And holy fucking shit. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. BUT ACTUALLY. I decided to stop wallowing and DO SOMETHING.

Since day one of experiencing the greatness that is Catie Thorpe, my UW recruiter for Microsoft, I had always wanted to be a University Recruiter. I honestly couldn't believe a job like that actually existed. Travel around the country to meet bright, young minds and tell them about how awesome Microsoft is? Mentor college kids and help them achieve their dreams?! FUCK YEA, sign me up! It was something that I really wanted to try, but it was such a huge deviation from what I thought my career would be (i.e. saving the world through technology). I had decided it was in my eventual "5 year plan," but I was haphazardly committed to it. Kasey had planted a seed that day. "Kim, you've always wanted to do recruiting. What is stopping you?" OMG, I thought, WHAT WAS STOPPING ME?! NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Fuck it, it was time to live my life again.

I reached out to Catie and she helped me schedule some time with a couple recruiting managers. During the time of the meetings, there weren't any job openings. No matter, I was willing to wait. I faithfully stalked job openings for UR and other PM roles throughout Microsoft. Despite my epic struggle bus year, I effing LOVED (and still deeply love) this company. I didn't want to be anywhere else. Finally, a position opened!!!!! I reached out immediately and within one month of my first informational, I started my first day as a Microsoft University Recruiter.

It's been almost exactly 6 months since the switch and I promise things aren't all butterflies and rainbows. But for reals, I couldn't be any more satisfied with my work life right now. I went to hell and back to get here but I finally found something I feel I was born to do. I have an epic background that lends itself uniquely to this area of work and I love- I fucking love meeting and mentoring kids at my schools. I wouldn't change my journey to get here. Looking back at my first year and half motivates me to intentionally choose to be grateful for my job every single day. No matter what crazy shit comes my way, the perspective I've gained allows me to manage my stress and choose reasonable feelings. I cannot express how lucky I feel to be where I am right now.

Fuck. That was a lot of shit. To wrap it up, if anyone else is struggling, please know that you are not alone. No matter what your social media would have you believe, there are a lot of people going through similar struggles. You are strong and capable of finding your path to happiness. The day to day struggle can be so real and if you ever need someone to talk to or commiserate with, I'm here: hellokimwin@gmail.com

Thank you for reading and letting me share my story with you. You really have no idea how much it means to me.

Kim

*Edit* I also feel like I should give a REALLY BIG shoutout to all of my friends, family and coworkers that have supported me during my time at Microsoft. The incredible people that I've met during my time at this company is truly the reason why I think it is one of the greatest places to work. Also, having a good-looking, kind hearted office mate also helps :D